Saturday, November 20, 2010

Pyare pyare Babaji!

Some people are characterised by what they do. Examples - you are a thief, he is an axe-murderer, she is a journalist.
Others by how they behave. Examples - you are an a**hole, he is such a prick, she is so dumb.
And yet others need to be classified on the basis of their most striking feature, one that can't and won't escape your attention no matter how hard you try. Examples - you have curly hair, so you'll be called 'Maggi', he has wide ears, so he'll be 'Agarkar', she's HOTTTT!!!
It is about a character belonging to this third category that I wish to speak about today. For he is simply not a man, he's a beard!
Known variously as Baba, Baabbe, Dadaji, Buddha and other epithets associated with his age, he claims to be 39 years old. And then comes the problem of his religious beliefs which even those believing in the same name of God as him loathe. Who likes an extremist? I'm sure the reason he goes and stays in a place of worship for 10 days before his festival-in-chief is because his wife throws him out! Doesn't want him to be around and spoil a joyous occasion with his always-say-die spirit!
He then goes on to behave in the most outrageously touchy-feely way possible. To joke with him is to invite Laden himself onto your head, for he will, in a way publicised by Sajjan's portrayal of Betaal, peck away at you with such a look of revenge in his eyes as though you were somehow responsible for advising Dubya on Iraq.
And then comes his love for the balding opener. Now don't get me wrong, the latter is someone I idolise in life for his simplicity of thought. But our Beardy will fight for the latter's small achievements to be played up in a way that would be embarrassing for the latter himself. Which is why we believe that Mrs Opener is Beardy's adopted daughter, coz no one behaves the way he does for Opener even for his own son. Son-in-law, most definitely, aarti and all inclusive.
Then comes the problematic problem of Beardy's penchant for Kaun Banega Crorepati. You see, Beardy is sort of our assistant boss, and since boss goes away before edition closure, our Beard is mostly the chap in charge. And he, who is busy playing Houdini all day, suddenly awakes from his mental slumber at 9pm and orders wholesale changes to all you have done. As Pink Floyd said: "All you create is all he'll destroy".
We call this the KBC effect - almost like Big B asking - "Arre, 9 baj gaye kya?" And when you wish to discuss it with him, Beardy - not Big B - on second thoughts he's also a Big B - Big Beard - or WB - Weird Beard - anyway back to the point - will take offence as if you have eloped with the aforementioned daughter, who's already happily married to Opener.
Which brings us to the most overwhelming issue - the Houdini act.
What is it that he does when he disappears and reappears and (repeat cycle) (repeat cycle) (repeat cycle) (repeat cycle) (repeat cycle) (repeat cycle) (repeat cycle) (repeat cycle)?
He writes stories. About pitch canopies and tractors. About how a particular university's ground will host WC warm-up matches. Which the DDCA promptly denies the next day and laughs at him. About how a former Delhi opener (not even a has-been, a never was) finds Mr Arrogant's technique worthy of Test cricket.
He rehashes stories from press releases. Puts his own byline. And runs it on the front page. While ignoring inputs sent by reporter on the ground.
He junks the juniors' sweat. Says it isn't relevant or necessary. Then goes to stadium. Interviews same player. Asks for your copy to be cut short so he can run a 200 word box on the player's birthday.
But the Beardy incident that takes the cake is this:
Once the "39" year old Beardy was feeling the chill in his bones, IN SUMMER, because the split AC vent, that is about 10 feet high and 15 away from where he sat, was "blowing directly onto him". So he decided to shift to the outside of the department, where the kid affectionately known as 'The KID' sat. He called for IT assistance for his computer to be shifted there. IT wallah duly did so. He then wanted his monitor moved too, since the photograph of his beloved Alma Mater was on it, revealing a hitherto-unknown technological wizard side of him.
IT chap told him it wouldn't be necessary. He insisted he wanted it, rather brusquely, or shall I say in typical Beardy fashion.
IT chap says "Ispe aapka naam likha hai kya?" Beardy gets pissed, even though one as devout as him should ideally be devoid of any emotion during the period of fasting, and says, "Mere roze na hote to main aapko deta iska jawab" and proceeds to question IT chap's parentage for the next 10 minutes, though to give due credit, he has never used a swear word in my memory. Then, he ends with "Mere roze na hote to main aapko deta iska jawab" and IT chap turns around and says "Baaki kya raha" and walks off.
Such is the tale of our beloved Babaji.

Thursday, November 11, 2010


Google Chrome is definitely Banarasi.
As soon as I posted the previous one and pressed 'view blog', it said "this page is in Hindi. Would you like to translate?"
Feeling adventurous, I pressed YES.

Bkachodi Tlua drive in the meetings is also an art ...

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Busy 'Ahruf
Pay a bit boring sitting all day Cricket Ground were watching the match. Drove home the thought was not bored today. Reason? Mr Des curator of Honor our own, even out of our own street. The creation of that street the Enigmetika character, that is known to bomb innocent Nath - Biswanath lane.

I think the whole day to get it to 92 overs 174 runs in the game despite being the man you were doing so much entertainment, it is such a thing what Khasamkhass?

Answer to the title of this blog will tell you - Bnarsiyh. The only art that you can get just inherited. Take you call her sense of humor. We call it the Tlua sat Bkachodi Paalne, ie sitting empty and Diangean Hancne delusive nature of casserole cooking. Samples Here ...

"Oh, very bad day Ahu master! Uhi talk of Hil meetings Halei camel in the desert, go pay, if you have bad days too Pmerian Uhaँ dog will bite ..."

The species of animals have met you. Where will you, will collect Mahfhil. Sparkle like the Jleb Deakce saliva Opakegee would have recognized each other and just accents. Banarasi it says. We are of the same species, a frivolous, extra-fine section, and lent his Bnarsiyh to have built this blog.

Then you will be offering hope in the long run. So listen now to what is the secret behind Bnarsiyh to go - it's in Varanasi, two have been on business to date. One of our pride - DLW - and the other the same - the name of Baba pay swindle. For the second category who want supreme talent, his name is ...


पूरे दिन क्रिकेट ग्राउंड पे बैठे बोरिंग सा मैच देख रहे थे. घर पहुंचे तो लगा आज बोरियत नहीं हुई. कारण? जनाब क्यूरेटर साहब हमारे ही देस के, यहाँ तक की हमारी ही गली के निकले. वो गली जो सृष्टि के सबसे एनिग्मेटिक केरेक्टर, अर्थात बम भोले नाथ के नाम से जानी जाती है -- बिश्वनाथ गली.

सोच ये निकल के आई कि पूरे दिन के 92 ओवर के खेल में 174 रन बनने के बावजूद जो आदमी आपकी इतनी एंटरटेनमेंट कर गया, उसमें ऐसी क्या खासमखास बात रही?

जवाब इस ब्लॉग का शीर्षक आपको बता देगा -- बनारसीयत. वो एकमात्र कला जो आपको केवल विरासत में मिल सकती है. आप उसे सेन्स ऑफ़ ह्यूमर बुला लीजिये. हम उसे कहते हैं ठलुआ बैठ के बकचोदी पेलने की, यानी ख़ाली बैठे ख़याली पुलाव पकाने और डींगें हांकने की फितरत. सैम्पल ये रहा...

"अरे दिन बहुत ख़राब हउ गुरु! उही बात भइल की भलेई ऊंट पे बैठके रेगिस्तान में जाओ, अगर दिन ख़राब होगा तो उहाँ भी पामेरियन कुत्ता काट लेगा..."

इस प्रजाति के प्राणियों से मुलाकात हुई होगी आपकी. जो जहाँ जाएगा, महफ़िल जमा देगा. हाज़िरजवाबी जिससे जलेबी देखके लार की तरह टपकेगी और सिर्फ लहजे से एक दूसरे को पहचान लिया करेगा. इसे बनारसी कहते हैं. हम भी इसी प्रजाति के एक तुच्छ, अति-सूक्ष्म भाग हैं, और अपनी बनारसीयत बिखेरने के लिए ही इस ब्लॉग का निर्माण किया है.

आशा है आने वाले समय में आपसे फिर भेंट होगी. अभी के लिए इतना सुनते जाइए की बनारसीयत के पीछे राज़ क्या है -- ये की बनारस में दो ही बिजनेस आज तक चल पाए हैं. एक हमारी शान - डी एल डब्ल्यू - और दूसरा वही - बाबा के नाम पे ठगी. और इस दूसरी कैटेगरी के लिए जो सुप्रीम टैलेंट चाहिए, उसी का नाम है...